Past Rhapsody.The UnGuarded Heart...
My Listening Pleasure....
It's been for a quite long while...since i tuned in to Malay songs...in some way denying one's root..opps. Since I was introduced to OAG- Old Automatic Garbage, a Malaysian Alternative Band. I was impressed and I was hooked. And now I'm "hook" to an Indon Band, Jamrud. Recommendation of my dear fren. Xie Xie nie. WOWnderful melancholy songs :). It is amazing how the Indons can use words such as "maki", "caci", which is consider rude in "Bahasa Melayu" context in such a refined way in their songs.
The very first song that I heard from them and made me go awwwwwwww....wooooo and more PG- rated noises ehh :)...
Jamrud- Pelangi Di Matamu
tiga puluh menit kita di sini
tanpa suara
dan aku resah harus menunggu lama
kata darimu
mungkin butuh kursus merangkai kata untuk bicara
dan aku benci harus jujur padamu tentang semua ini
jam dinding pun tertawa,
kar'na 'ku hanya diam dan membisu
ingin kumaki diriku sendiri yang tak berkutik di depanmu
ada yang lain di senyummu ,
yang membuat lidahku gugup tak bergerak
ada pelangi di bola matamu
dan memaksa diri tuk bilang
aku sayang padamu 2x
mungkin sabtu nanti kuungkap semua isi di hati
dan akku benci harus jujur padamu tentang semua ini
jam dinding pun tertawa,
kar'na 'ku hanya diam dan membisu
ingin kumaki diriku sendiri yang tak berkutik di depanmu
ada yang lain di senyummu ,
yang membuat lidahku gugup tak bergerak
ada pelangi di bola matamu
dan memaksa diri tuk bilang
aku sayang padamu 2x
Still flu- stricken. Still bumming on my slumbering pad. Insya Allah better tomorrow.
At least now I "think"..I know the answer...and insya Allah I am taking it in stride. Now, I know where my future stands. I am abosrbing it...I will settle it... I will. Insya Allah.
Insomniac disease strucked at 7/31/2003 12:30:00 PM
A Day of...
Started the day with an unpleasant incident. Hopefully, NO another episode of it. Insya Allah. From whatever had happened...it could be the ending of a shortlived friendship or ....gesh...i dunno...I dunno. Whatever happens..happens. I can't be desperately seeking. If Man has his ego, Woman has her pride. Till this moment, it seems that from whatever had happened it is not improving :(. Insya Allah better tomorrow.
Was still flu- stricken when school was over. Was hoping to be greeted by ? .I was hoping for too much, which I know is not healthy, I should not have. Went home straight....still didn't feel good. Need to roll with laughter and ease the pain/ sickness before i go to bed. So decided to go out for fresher air. Dear friend, thanks for the companion, you come with a box of laughter...hehe...u cure me for that moment. Terima Kasih hor..:)
On the way home from a soupy meal, received an "aerial" suprise. Gosh was I smiling. Was that just an obligation or more...gee can I stop being pessimistic. It could be for the better. It could be.
Did I...?
Did I scare you away?
Or
Did I draw you closer?
Did I sense the needs?
Or
Did I sense the wants?
Did I push too strong?
Or
Did I pull away strong?
Did I move u away?
Or
Did I move you closer?
Did I ever want you?
Or
Did I ever need you?
Did I Scare you away?
Did I....?
Insomniac disease strucked at 7/30/2003 11:58:00 PM
Cures Internet Addiction...
A dear fren of mine, got me a "medication" to cure my internet addiction, as a sign for me to click back to reality. I think it has taken an adverse effect on my internet addiction...instead of curing this common disease...which I am very much immune too...it has increased the level of my internet hormones. It takes more than a medication to cure this insomniac disease. Especially, since my convert to be a blogger, I've been addicted to uplift my blogspot. Still the misalignments in my blogspot have not been solved, that's my "autistic characteristics", misalignment pissed me off and I will stimulate by constant peering and clicking/ editing to cure these misalignments. There are solutions to most errors and I will find it...I will.
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My throat is tickling,
My head is boogie-ing,
My body is aching,
My nose is running,
My eyes are dozing,
The prescription is flowing in.
Feeling sick....,
Anticipating for better tomorrow.
Insomniac disease strucked at 7/29/2003 04:58:00 PM
I have strong fetish for his song. For someone like me with limited vocabs...:) his simple- mindedness in writing "feeling" songs without the need of using "BIG vocabs"...gets his message across quickly and touch my sentiments deeply..:)
De Man that has the voice and the talent that made me go awwwww n wooooo and more PG- rated noises hehe..:)..
One out of my many favourites...
Love Song For No One- John Mayer
Staying home alone on a Friday
Flat on the floor looking back
On old love
Or lack thereof
After all the crushes are faded
And all my wishful thinking was wrong
I'm jaded
I hate it
I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
Searching all my days just to find you
I'm not sure who I'm looking for
I'll know it
When I see you
Until then, I'll hide in my bedroom
Staying up all night just to write
A love song for no one
I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance
And watched you walk away?
I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
You'll be so good
You'll be so good for me
Insomniac disease strucked at 7/29/2003 04:10:00 PM
Don't Blame THEM !!!
Don't blame them for wailing,
Don't blame them for not listening,
Don't blame them for all those scratches and pinches,
Don't blame them for the FRUSTRATIONS,
Don't blame them for NOT learning,
Don't take it personal.
Look back and reflect on what we have not done,
and what we could have done....better.
DON'T BLAME THEM!!!
One of my kids ever told me not once but MOREEE than once, "Teacher Fadzilah, you're SO UNFAIR." He was right. I wouldn't denied, at times being HUMAN I did not realized of those UNFAIR moments in disciplining them. He was RIGHT. I DON'T BLAME him. I accepted it and will mend my ways.
Blaming is not an answer to your frustrations. Don't Seek Solace...Seek Solutions.
Insomniac disease strucked at 7/27/2003 10:17:00 PM
You've Got Mail
Slumberland...Slumberland...pls call me...need to slumber but can't....need to slumber for a better tomorrow...
Received this e-mail from a parent. Initially, this parent was giving me hard time. I was guilty for *bitching* about this parents behind their back. Amazingly, my patience and sincerity as a HUMAN and as a Special Educator to give my very best to this child has helped me to WIN their "heart" against all odds.
Ms Fadzilah,
Sorry that I could not find the article written on JL on my pc. I must
have lost it when the pc was corrupted last year.
Just a note of thanks to you and your team in helping JL and the rest of
the children in Seagulls 3. Your patience and love for the children will
definitely help them adjust to society for the rest of their lives.
Warmest Regards from
Father & Family of JL
I've never expected any Thank you....as this is my responsibily and my duty as a Special Educator....as...
Parents are SPECIAL people...
"As teachers, we only work with these chilldren for only 6 hours per day, 5 days per week. Here are words from the heart of the families. Their job are 24 hours per day, seven days per week, for a lifetime...they are the strong ones. I am often told that i must be a ",very pecial person" because of my job, but I know that I don't deserve that kind of recognition. I chose this job that I love so much and I got paid for it. Most of these parents did not have a choice. They don't get paid. Their work never ends. Their love is unconditional.
They are the SPECIAL PEOPLE.
- Anonymous -
THEY are Special.
Got this e-mail from a friend. Hmmm..what's with him to send me this....but lurve it anyway..Thanxs.
Adam Sandler - I wanna Grow Old With You
i wanna make you smile
whenever you're sad
carry you around when your arthritis is bad
all i wanna do, is grow old with you
I'll get you medicine when your tummy aches
Build you a fire if the furnace breaks
So, it could be so nice growing old with you,....
I'll miss you
Kiss you
Give you my coat when you are cold
Need you
Feed you
Even let you hold the remote control.
So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed when you've had too much to drink
Oh I could be the man that grows old with you
I wanna grow old with you.
I wanna grow old with ????? Still a question which has always been left unanswered.....
Insomniac disease strucked at 7/26/2003 02:13:00 AM
Today, I went for a concert held by a special school. Amazingly superb great acts 100% by children/ person with special needs. The concert is hosted by a teacher and an ex- student of the school. The student has witty sense of humour and he is definitely impressive. I don't know him personally... but believe me his presence has made a difference to the parents of the students and US the special educators. If I was given the chance to go up to him and give him a pat on his back...I would . Well done :).
I sat beside a 15 years old boy and his mum. He is a student of the school. He was born normal but when he was young, he was traumatised by his kindergarten teacher cruel act, which has affected his self - esteem, confidence and growing needs. Thus, while he was in a mainstream school, he was streamed to a special school which will meet his academics and growing needs. Whoever the kindergarten teacher is, she might not realized till now that she has done a great injustice to the life of a young boy. SHE should not be sued but to be prosecuted. Fortunately, during his recuperative period, he has met with those that believes in his true potential. I may not meet him again...:(. I wish him and his family all the best. :)
Lots of effort have been put in and it was a worthy effort...Well done. Some of my ex- students are studying there and I am glad that they are taught and nurtured in such a warmth, loving environment which prioritize their growing and special needs when it comes to learning. I am glad to be where I am today and I am glad that I can be a part of their life. Much I have learnt from them and much more to come.
When a child is born, Great Expectations have been set for him by his parents. At times, this expectations has to be disacknowledged due to circumstances. GOD has given us the best that we could have and the expectations that we have set may not be what GOD has decided for us. It is for us to plan and for HIM to decide.
It is not wise to feel useless as each one of us is created by HIM and is created with a/ purpose. Or could I say...many purposes. It differs from one man to another. In a way or another, you might have made a difference in someone's life...you might not know...he/ she might not realized ...but GOD knows.
Only GOD knows...My expectations...there's not a need for me to say it out loud. HE knows.
Insomniac disease strucked at 7/26/2003 01:44:00 AM
Still waiting...
This week...I received good news that my study leave is approved. Received an admission letter from the Uni...I can't procastinate any longer...shld start sourcing for "fulus". Any sugar daddy or anak datuk out there looking for splurging mate? You have one here waiting.
Bought 2 books by Torey Hayden.And I only hope I have been half as good as her.
Total extraction from book's back cover.
Six year old Sheila had been abandoned by her mother on a highway when she was four. A survivor of horrific abuse, she never spoke, never cried, and was placed in a class for severely retarded children after committing an atrocious act of violence against another child. Everyone though Sheila was beyond salvation- except her teacher, Torey Hayden. With patience, skill and abiding love, she fought long and hard to release a haunted little girl from her secret nightmare- and nurture the spark of genius she recognized trapped within Sheila's silence. This is the remarkable story of their journey together- an odyssey of hope, courage, and inspiring devotion that opened the heart and mind of one lost child to a new world of discovery and joy.
Amazingly superb...I have been slumbering with this book in hand for the past two days. It has kept me from ignoring my feverish feeling. Not a remedy just a "health" supplement.
Still waiting for the right moment...still waiting for the right time...Only God Knows.
Insomniac disease strucked at 7/24/2003 11:07:00 PM
The feverish feeling
The feverish feeling is here again today.
This feeling comes and goes as it wishes.
It comes and goes...as you wished.
You are not making it better...yet you are not making it worst.
Is it too soon for you to cure this feverish feeling ?
Or you have no prescription to heal it?
This feeling comes and goes as it wishes.
It comes and goes...as you wished.
Will you make it better? I don't know.
Maybe I need to cure this feverish feeling.
Or someone else would.
I might not wait for you to prescribe any "healers"
I might not make it better.
I might not wait, as no prescriptions have been given.
I might not.....as I may not be worthy of you
I don't know....
Is this feverish feeling a sign of hope or a sign of......? Only GOD knows...
Insomniac disease strucked at 7/23/2003 11:57:00 PM
Blissful Morning...
Finally, I have terminated my UNOFFICAL MC leave from religious sermons. Had a very enriching morning, and was cursing myself for socially ignoring religious sermons for the past months. Much I have forgotten and much need to be learnt to be a a better Umat. Definitely going next week, and the week after and the week after...and so on. Insya Allah.
All my dear gurl frens looked beautiful today. They were donned in chaste outfits. They not only look beautiful as a woman...but also as a muslimah and as HIS Umat. Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder. Insya Allah... more of such occurence from them. My sundays will be as blissful as today. It is blissful to see the smiling face of my mom...when i don myself for a blissful morning. I can't remember the last time I say, "I love you" to her....maybe the last time was when I just learnt how to speak. It has never been a culture in my family to express ourselves openly. Thus, smiling moments like this morning are the great act of LOVE in my family..:)
Yesterday, my pasts came to life. Met 3 individuals from my past. Three awkward yet reminiscing moments.
1st past that i met may be more than a past...maybe... 2nd past was an acquaintance of someone who was a part on my life. Wld be nice to be in contact with "that' part of my life....:). 3rd past was the result of more "love crush" occurence after him. All three have changed....me too..i believe so. It is miraculous to meet them in 1 day...if miraculous is the right word to describe it?...it has to be it.
Monday is coming...it is either blue, green, red or...what colour will I be painting my Monday? Let it be bright..let it be cheery and let it be bless..
Insomniac disease strucked at 7/20/2003 08:44:00 PM
The Wise One..Dalai Lama
The Dalai Lama said read it to see if it works for you.
Very interesting. Just 4 questions and the answers will surprise you.
Do not cheat by looking up the answers. The mind is like a parachute, it
works best when it is opened.
This is fun to do, but you have to follow the instructions very closely.
Do not cheat.
MAKE A WISH BEFORE BEGINNING THE TEST!!
Warning! Answer the questions as you go along.
There are only four questions and if you see them all before finishing,
you will not have honest results.
Go down slowly and do each exercise as you scroll down.
Don't look ahead. Get pencil and paper to write your answers as you go
along. You will need it at the end. This is an honest questionnaire which
will tell you a lot about your true self.
Put the following 5 animals in the order of your preference.
a. Cow c. Sheep e. Pig
b. Tiger d. Horse
Write one word that describes each one of the following:
Dog Rat
Sea
Cat Coffee
Think of someone (who also knows you and is important to you) that you can
relate them to the following colours (do not repeat your answer twice.
Name just one person for each colour.)
Yellow Red
Green
Orange White
Finally, write down your favourite number and your favourite day of the
week.
Finished? Please be sure that your answers are what you REALLY WANT.
Look at the interpretations below: (but first before continuing, repeat
your wish.)
This will define your priorities in your life.
Cow Signifies CAREER Sheep Signifies LOVE Pig Signifies
MONEY
Tiger Signifies PRIDE Horse Signifies FAMILY
Your description of dog implies YOUR OWN PERSONALITY.
Your description of cat implies the personality of your partner.
Your description of rat implies the personality of your enemies.
Your description of coffee is how you interpret SEX.
Your description of the Sea implies your own life.
Yellow: Someone you will never forget
Orange: Someone you consider your true friend
Red: Someone that you really love
White: Your twin soul -
Green: Someone that you will remember for the rest of your life
You have to send this message to as many persons as your favourite number
and your wish will come true on the day that you put. This is what the
Dalai Lama has said about the Millennium -- just take a few seconds to read
it and think.
Do not put away this message, the mantra will come out from your hands in
the next 96 hours.
You will have a very pleasant surprise. This is true, even if you are not
superstitious.
Please try this. It is fascinating.
My Answers...
1. Horse, sheep, cow, tiger, pig----> true....:)
2. Irritating, smelly, blue, scared, black ---> hahaha...
3. Shah, someone, my p, huda, sahila ---> slight truths :)
4. 19 and friday ----> not bother...
The past few weeks my patient level has been running at a low level...slight irritations can caused an uproar in my behaviour. As a teaching professional, I've tried my very best not to bring such an uncultivated behaviour in a classroom/ working environment...but i'm only human. As one should "heal" oneself...my tangible "healer" is an Inspiring book by Torey Hayden called "Beautiful Child". Truelly inspiring and stimulating for my stagnant mind :). I indulged myself by reading this piece and as I have foresee earlier...I neglected my other needs....slumber till the wee hours...just can't let it off my hand. Will be purchasing her other inspirational piece....very soon...or any sponsors..:)?
Child's play- Ignoring the truth
In class of 8 children with mild autism and 3 teachers. I have taken the role as the discipline mistress. Always potraying myself as the wicked stepmother in class. Can't help it, with the presence of 8 adorable monyetz in my class someone has to be the "one holding the invisible cane" in hand.
In class, I have imposed a strict rule of no talking while teacher is teaching. I will try my very best to ignore inappropriate blabbering or questions from them...as this is their austistic forte. One fine day, while teaching, I was ignoring my one and only princess in class. She is often in dreamland and has the tendency to "post" weird inappropriate questions or statements. She kept raising her hands up while I am signalling to her to put her handsdown. She didn't give up, I got irritated and gave her a firm look and was about to "shout" at her...and innocently she looked at me with a "errr....don't scold me look" and said, "But Teacher, your zipper downnnnnnnnnn..." (she tends to prolong her end word hehe). And yups..I looked down and oppps...I was IGNORING the TRUTH...hahha. She's my lifesaver...hehe saving me from an "Under Where" embarassment...Thank you dear..:)
It has to be THEM that keeps me going...better days to come..Insya Allah
Insomniac disease strucked at 7/18/2003 10:38:00 PM
Waiting...Waiting...At a juncture..
Waiting...Waiting..Waiting...It has been the longest waiting period of my life...waiting for my future destination. At times...frustration welled up inside. I am still clueless what/ where is my future destination. No decisions have been made and No answers have been given. Am I patient enough to wait....OR will I be patient enough to wait? Only HE knows.
Where will I be heading ?....I did an on-line palm reading months back...and was simply amazed with the result...Amazing..heh..makes one feel good about it...although there might be NO truths to it. It is just a purely innocent..."feel good feeling" after reading it:).
Read between the lines
WRIST LINES
Your Wrist Lines predict how many satisfying years you have ahead of you. The more wrist lines you have the better. You have three wrist lines, so there's no shortage of happiness coming your way. Celebrate by doing what you do best. Go find a party to be the life of. And make sure your happiness continues on the job, or consider a new career.
HEAD AND LIFE LINES
The top line is your Head Line and determines intelligence and mental strength. The bottom line is your Life Line and indicates passion. Your head line and life lines do not touch, and your head line is straight. Whatever your fate, you'll be the one to decide it. You're independent and vocal. You're energetic and smart, expecially when it comes to numbers. You are the only thing that can come between you and your ambition. Your wandering spirit and short attention span make it hard for you to sit still long enough to complete anything.
HEART LINE
The Heart Line determines your romantic success. Your heart line extends straight across your palm, revealing that you are caring, hard-working and loyal. Avoid the feelings of resentment that come from always giving more than you'll receive, and you'll be repaid with great luck later in life.
Interested...don't shy visit this page :)
http://www.truecareers.com/JobSeekerX/Registration/PalmReading/Default.asp
Waiting makes one to be stonger...Insya Allah.
Insomniac disease strucked at 7/17/2003 11:04:00 PM
Weekend Facial Rendezvous
Today, I went for my facial spa retreat, total destress. Syiokkkkk. I have religiously succumbed myself to a fortnightly facial rendezvous since "suffering"from facial discrepancy abt. a year back (That's 2nd reincarnation...will share soon abt this reincarnations when I'm ready). I am not bless with good obedient healthy skin....mine tends to invite uninvited guests...not just the visiting from the family of zits but their big brothers..."acnes"...or the scientific term "comodone"....opps sounds something like that. Glad that those distressing period of my life is over, hopefully no 3rd reincarnation...Insya Allah.
Now...my uninvited guests still hop by now and then...I guessed they feel so welcome and comfortable on my youthful skin..haha. Once they arrived, it will take about two weeks to shoo them away. Distressing....Irritating period that will be. At times it does affect my self- esteem and self- confidence. It does..
:(. During their visits I have to tend to them and thus at times relinquish my social life & needs. When will they stop visiting me? Much I have splurged in tending to them. Haven't they got enough tender, loving , care ?...please stop visiting.
Till this very day I do not know the reasons of their visits...it can be too regular at times and it does affect my life. I have seek much help, from a professional individual to another...n till today...I still try my very best...but hmmm still no avail. Only God Knows....
Today I feel good and looks good in "my own perspective" ...:)..will it be the same tomorrow..or the day after...Thanks to HIM...
HE knows best and HE has given me the BEST. Allhamdulillah
Insomniac disease strucked at 7/13/2003 08:29:00 PM
7C and 8G...? and My 4Hs...
Got this e-mail early in the morning...interesting and something that we women and men ought to know. Hmm...It's in Malay. I will definitely make a print of it and place it somewhere I can see everyday....as a visual reminder..probably paste it somewhere near the mirror :).
A friend of mine asked me before....what type of man am I looking for...probably when I was very very young i will go for 3H..Handsome, Hunk, Hot...hahah...looking back...so immatured of me then. NOW...I am looking for 4H..Humble (very important...if one has this in him...other great characters comes with it..:), Humorous (it all depends...when there's chemistry between two individuals..this will come on its own:), Hardworking & HUMANE (a MUST :)
7c.dan 8g ( penulis: ustaz Ali Sobri)
"Datuk Dr Fadzilah Kamsah telah merumuskan:"
7 'C' yang boleh menyebabkan lelaki hilang minat atau benci kepada seseorang wanita.
1. Comot
Terdapat wanita yang cantik tetapi comot. Comot yang dimaksudkan ini boleh melibatkan wajah seseorang wanita itu, penampilannya yang selekeh, kerja yang dilakukannya serta tindak-tanduknya.
2. Cerewet
Kata ulama hati wanita terletak di mulutnya. Oleh itu wanita perlu mengawal percakapannya.
3. Cemburu
Cemburu perlu dalam sesuatu hubungan. Tetapi wanita yang terlampau cemburu sehingga pasangannya merasa terkongkong akan membawapadah kepada perhubungan mereka. Ini memandangkan lelaki akan merasakan dirimereka tidak dipercayai.
4. Cuai
Kebiasaan lelaki tidak suka jika pasangannya cuai terutama apabila ia melibatkan masa. Misalnya apabila suami menetapkan keluar jam tiga tetapi pada masa yang ditetapkan isteri masih sibuk bersiap, ini akan membuat mereka benci kerana situasi itu.
5. Celupar
Menurut Dr. Fadzilah, wanita yang cantik akan kelihatan hodoh jika mulutnya celupar.
6. Cabul
Cabul di sini membawa maksud keji dan segi perangai sehingga seseorang wanita itu langsung tidak ada malu. Misalnya bergaul bebas dengan lelaki-lelaki yang bukan muhrimnya tanpa menghirau batas pergaulan itu.
7. Cabar
Lelaki mempunyai ego mereka yang tersendiri. Oleh itu mereka tidak suka dicabar terutama sekali oleh wanita. Wanita perlu tahu batas tindakan mereka agar lelaki tidak rasa tercabar. Misalnya mencabar dengan kata-kata seperti, saya cabar awak........
8G pada lelaki yang dibenci oleh wanita
1. Garang
Garang tak bertempat, suka mencarut, suka cari gaduh, cakap kasar, suka marah2
tak bertempat, silap sikit tak boleh.. macam ler dia betul semua, atau
seumpamanya.
2. Ganas
Kaki pukul, dengan perempuan pun nak tunjuk kuat sebab perempuan bukan lawannya.
3. Gementar
Takut sangat, tak yakin diri sendiri, tak percaya kebolehan diri, bergantung
pada orang lain dan seumpamanya.
4. Gabrah
Tak boleh/pandai buat keputusan sendiri, ikut pendapat perempuan aje, dan sebagainya.
5. Gentleman tiada Langsung
Tak gentle, pentingkan diri sendiri, ambil kesempatan dan sebagainya.
6. Gerumal
Bahasa kedah-bohong atau tipu.
7. Ganggo Keterlaluan
Lembut sangat, pemalu sangat, pendiam sangat, macho sangat dan seumpamanya.
8. Gatal
Miang keladi dengan perempuan lain selain dengan isteri sendiri.
Insomniac disease strucked at 7/12/2003 01:14:00 PM
I've been deliberately...MCing myself from blogging. Why? This week...was overwhelmed with others negative attitudes and unavoidable negative events which are better of forgotten...with hope...Things CAN only get better. I would rather blog on events or simply positive PG- rated :) thoughts that I have. If I ever deliberately miss some...opps or many blogging days, I might be seeking solace and will be back blogging when I am fit to be a "positive contributor" :).
Let's start.....
"Total extraction" from www.bridges4kid.org
I'm not a writer, but I do have a story to share. When I first started out in the special education field I had the opportunity to work with a little girl that nobody else wanted to take time with. She was diagnosed as having autism and she was also deaf.
I was volunteering as a summer camp aide one summer and had to deliver mail to the office regarding the children's background information. I normally don't read the material, but I had to wait in the office, so I looked through the pile and found her submission sheet. The office had checked that they were going to "reject her for camp" because they didn't have the staff to give her the care she needed. She was prone to violent tantrums and had little in the way of communicative ability. Without a second thought I volunteered to be her one-to-one aide. I knew a little bit of sign language and had just started working with kids with autism a few months before. I wasn't really qualified, but they let me have the job.
When I went to her home to meet her, she was huddled on the living room couch, her head in her lap, rocking and humming loudly. Her mother grabbed her arm and forced her face upwards to meet me. She had her eyes closed still, effectively shutting herself out from the world. As I sat and spoke with her parents (who spoke in broken English) I noticed that she had moved from the couch to the floor and was looking at me. I smiled and she smiled back. Then she ran and hid behind the couch again.
I showed up the next day, fully expecting a tantrum and a difficult morning. She stood at the door with her mother, smiling, and signed "hello" and her name sign. I signed hello back, and my name sign. She took my hand, and we started off for camp.
The first few days were a whirlwind of trying to figure out how to communicate with her, how to adapt camp activities, how to handle her tantrums. By the middle of the week, a few of her fellow campers had taken an interest in playing with her. She looked so happy when they took her off to the swings, or the see-saws that I could hardly keep from crying. I ended up staying with her, as her home therapist for almost 4 years. She was truly an amazing child...by the time I left she was able to go in public with her family (before she would tantrum in public to the point where they couldn't taker her anywhere...or she would run away and they would have to have the police find her and bring her home), she could make her bed and her lunch, use the bathroom, shower, do her homework, play with her siblings, and sign and nearly age level.
As much as she learned (according to assessments and evaluations), she didn't learn nearly as much as I did as a teacher. Working with her taught me a greater patience and appreciation for every small gain a child can make than I can possibly express. Everyone had given up on her, and for whatever reason, she chose me to help her prove them all wrong.
I guess what I'm saying is that no matter how bleak the outlook seems, there is always hope. There is always a rainbow after the storm. I know that a lot of school systems, who lack the funding, the teachers, the training and insight, often become convinced of a child's inability's and loose sight of what they can do. Even if it's just the smallest thing, like blinking their eyes to say "yes," look at it as a starting point. Things can only get better from there.
In my own words....
Insya Allah...things will be better for me from here...
So glad that this lethargic week has come to an end. With the expansion of my programme in school...many great individuals (new teachers) to work with. Some has shown their true potentials and some still needs constant prompts to move on. Advise to MYself and others...to make yourself feel belong in a new environment always ask yourself...how you can make yourself feel belong and NOT how others make you feel belong.
Four years ago, I was just a young girl and now.....after four years...much I have learnt from my students and those great individuals that I am working with...they "create" the HUMANE woman I am today. I have never regret the path that I have taken and I will...insya Allah stays in this path and reach greater heights.
Who knows....where I will be in the near future and who will I be meeting tomorrow..or future...those new acquaintances that i will meet...will probably be my positive ions. THEY or HE or SHE....might be the "changing factors to my future..who knows...only HE knows.
This is GOD's calling...I am a better person today because of HIM...and I am going to be a better person tomorrow and the day after...& the day after...because of HIS calling...Insya Allah.
Insomniac disease strucked at 7/12/2003 12:47:00 AM
The Mourning.
Yesterday...while window shopping at spotlight...a solemn voice was heard over the news radio that was aired in that buidling. "The iranian siamese twins has passed away......". Every single moving soul around me stood silent. A chinese lady was actually gripping her ...which i assumed her husband's hand. I believe it is not only the muslim community that is mourning for them...anybody..everybody...regardless of race and religion. Their presence...and now their absence has definitely make a significant difference in our life...May Allah SWT bless you...
Bought a book today...browsing through the non- fiction corner...and "it" caught my attention. Beautiful child by Torey Hayden.
"Total extraction" from book's back cover:
Seven year old Venus Fox never spoke, never listened, never even acknowledged the presence of another human being in the room with her. Yet an accidental playground "bump"would release a rage frightening to behold. The school year that followed would prove to be one of the most trying, perplexing and ultimately rewarding of Torey's career, as she struggled to reach a silent child in obvious pain. It would be a strenuous journey beset by seemingly insurmountable obstacles and darkened by truly terrible revelations- yet encouraged by sometimes small, sometimes dazzling breakthroughs- as a dedicated teacher remained committed to helping "hopeless" girl, and patiently and lovingly leading her toward the light of a new day.
If not for the constant calling of my sleeping pad I would be slumbering with this book...& once I open the first page I will definitely ignore my other needs hehe...e.g. toileting..etc. etc..
What a coincidence...
Today...was informed by my mentor that Channel News Asia will be featuring my kids on POST SARs edition.."How are we coping after SARs? If they are "featuring" me please take my left profile opps..or is it my right..hmm will check again..hehe...*feeling Mariah Carey
forty winks....to slumber....to forget all devillish acts..to wake up with a new beginning...insya Allah
Insomniac disease strucked at 7/09/2003 10:10:00 PM
Lethargic
This feeling has been growing...is it right for me to feel this way? Is it because of the stagnation of what I am doing or where I am right now? I believe one has to find his/her own drives...motivations...passions...or all the +++ in life :)...you can't expect others to "move you" as you know yourself BEST & others have better things to do. For me..still finding...
I have a great bunch of kids this year...my monyetz J. Somehow they are near normal yet the big A (autism) is still in them. Each of them has their own unique and distinct characters. Their sudden outbursts and ignorance that creates the amusing atmosphere in class...yeahhh they kept me going. It is amazing that behind their ignorance there are truths behind it.
One amusing incident or could I say "statement"...happened early this year when SARs is the topic of our conversation. Topic for the day in class: What is ARs? n all the blah..blah...blah about SARs. One of my charming kid...proudly stood up and said, "I know..I Know about SARs. My daddy said..."Cannot have sex with China girl.", and he walked around the class...finger pointing to his peers and said, "No sex...uh...No sex...". Gosh...was I suprised...or stunned by that statement. I was just trying to control the situation by "forcing" myself not to burst out laughing. Fortunately, the rest of his peers thought that he was saying, NO SARs...NO SARs...and they just responded...YESH NO SARs! WE NO SARs!. If they had gone home and informed their parents what has been shared…haha GOD knows what is going to happen. Don't say Leh...Don't say Lar...This SARvivor song has been my class anthem. How can i feel lethargic with a class of charmers like them?
Reminiscing the past is definitely a great way to feel refresh again...better days to come...insya Allah. My past has come not to torment me but probably to add the +++ in my life...who knows...only HE knows.
Is it me you're looking for?...gosh this oldies is playing in my head....n opps who is the singer? Anyone...
Constant upgrading will be done to this blogspot...that will keep me going...
Life goes on...
Insomniac disease strucked at 7/08/2003 10:58:00 PM
The Alien Language.
Day 3...Am I an addicted blogger? Been blogging and trying to "converse" in the alien language aka HTML codes since Day 1. I believe HTML code has been a back dated codes...others are "conversing" in JAVA and other net jargons/ codes which I'm not familiar with. Here I am still struggling and trying my very best to "converse" in this language...is there any easy cut n paste ways :)...always trying to get myself out of difficult situations. This is a minor challenge i shall excel...still hoping..bear with me. Once...this blogspot is all SET...i shall carry out the blogging mission..:)
Life will never be easy....but these challenges are meant to make u someone that you never know you are...
Insomniac disease strucked at 7/07/2003 10:50:00 PM
The Beginning...The Joke...
Day One...staring at the pc and laughing at myself..for actually decided to be a certified bloggerianz..it is definitely amusing to c myself blogging now. Have been an ardent blogger "peeper"...for e past few weeks ...peeping into others blog spots. Initially, i find bloggerianz to be weird human beings who has nothing better to do but to blog...n now i am becoming one of them and i realized it is definitely a therapeutic tool for one to end his/ her day with...at the same time to brush up my writing skills..starting a new year as a student soon...lots of essay to reflect on n this will definitely act as a training tool for me to polish up my writing skills...long gone the composition days...n the essay days are coming back soon...looking forward for 2004.
As an ardent blogger peepers I have been peeping from one tom to another jerry blog spots. Some bloggers are nauseating and some are definitely enriching n refreshing...i am an ardent peeper of blog spots that provides an educational avenue for me...not those that gets tooo personal..it just gets to nauseating to read...hmmm...but who am i to judge....
As a special educator...i can never run away from learning objectives. There are always learning objectives that i am questioned for when i'm teaching...and with the starting of this blog spot..i shall set an objective so that i won't stray away from it...insya Allah.
hmmm...Objective:
1. To be able to provide an enriching and educational avenue for fellow blogger peepers on ME..:), Special Needs Culture and hmmm...more to come..Insya ALLAH
gee...sounds like a tag ad for an educational centre..heh..can't run from it as the educator's blood is in me.
"Teach them and THEY will teach YOU"
- anonymous -
More to come..coming soon..akan datang..Insya Allah
Insomniac disease strucked at 7/05/2003 12:17:00 PM
It's been for a quite long while...since i tuned in to Malay songs...in some way denying one's root..opps. Since I was introduced to OAG- Old Automatic Garbage, a Malaysian Alternative Band. I was impressed and I was hooked. And now I'm "hook" to an Indon Band, Jamrud. Recommendation of my dear fren. Xie Xie nie. WOWnderful melancholy songs :). It is amazing how the Indons can use words such as "maki", "caci", which is consider rude in "Bahasa Melayu" context in such a refined way in their songs.
The very first song that I heard from them and made me go awwwwwwww....wooooo and more PG- rated noises ehh :)...
Jamrud- Pelangi Di Matamu
tiga puluh menit kita di sini
tanpa suara
dan aku resah harus menunggu lama
kata darimu
mungkin butuh kursus merangkai kata untuk bicara
dan aku benci harus jujur padamu tentang semua ini
jam dinding pun tertawa,
kar'na 'ku hanya diam dan membisu
ingin kumaki diriku sendiri yang tak berkutik di depanmu
ada yang lain di senyummu ,
yang membuat lidahku gugup tak bergerak
ada pelangi di bola matamu
dan memaksa diri tuk bilang
aku sayang padamu 2x
mungkin sabtu nanti kuungkap semua isi di hati
dan akku benci harus jujur padamu tentang semua ini
jam dinding pun tertawa,
kar'na 'ku hanya diam dan membisu
ingin kumaki diriku sendiri yang tak berkutik di depanmu
ada yang lain di senyummu ,
yang membuat lidahku gugup tak bergerak
ada pelangi di bola matamu
dan memaksa diri tuk bilang
aku sayang padamu 2x
Still flu- stricken. Still bumming on my slumbering pad. Insya Allah better tomorrow.
At least now I "think"..I know the answer...and insya Allah I am taking it in stride. Now, I know where my future stands. I am abosrbing it...I will settle it... I will. Insya Allah.
Insomniac disease strucked at 7/31/2003 12:30:00 PM
A Day of...
Started the day with an unpleasant incident. Hopefully, NO another episode of it. Insya Allah. From whatever had happened...it could be the ending of a shortlived friendship or ....gesh...i dunno...I dunno. Whatever happens..happens. I can't be desperately seeking. If Man has his ego, Woman has her pride. Till this moment, it seems that from whatever had happened it is not improving :(. Insya Allah better tomorrow.
Was still flu- stricken when school was over. Was hoping to be greeted by ? .I was hoping for too much, which I know is not healthy, I should not have. Went home straight....still didn't feel good. Need to roll with laughter and ease the pain/ sickness before i go to bed. So decided to go out for fresher air. Dear friend, thanks for the companion, you come with a box of laughter...hehe...u cure me for that moment. Terima Kasih hor..:)
On the way home from a soupy meal, received an "aerial" suprise. Gosh was I smiling. Was that just an obligation or more...gee can I stop being pessimistic. It could be for the better. It could be.
Did I...?
Did I scare you away?
Or
Did I draw you closer?
Did I sense the needs?
Or
Did I sense the wants?
Did I push too strong?
Or
Did I pull away strong?
Did I move u away?
Or
Did I move you closer?
Did I ever want you?
Or
Did I ever need you?
Did I Scare you away?
Did I....?
Insomniac disease strucked at 7/30/2003 11:58:00 PM
Cures Internet Addiction...
A dear fren of mine, got me a "medication" to cure my internet addiction, as a sign for me to click back to reality. I think it has taken an adverse effect on my internet addiction...instead of curing this common disease...which I am very much immune too...it has increased the level of my internet hormones. It takes more than a medication to cure this insomniac disease. Especially, since my convert to be a blogger, I've been addicted to uplift my blogspot. Still the misalignments in my blogspot have not been solved, that's my "autistic characteristics", misalignment pissed me off and I will stimulate by constant peering and clicking/ editing to cure these misalignments. There are solutions to most errors and I will find it...I will.
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My throat is tickling,
My head is boogie-ing,
My body is aching,
My nose is running,
My eyes are dozing,
The prescription is flowing in.
Feeling sick....,
Anticipating for better tomorrow.
Insomniac disease strucked at 7/29/2003 04:58:00 PM
Strong fetish for....John Mayer
I have strong fetish for his song. For someone like me with limited vocabs...:) his simple- mindedness in writing "feeling" songs without the need of using "BIG vocabs"...gets his message across quickly and touch my sentiments deeply..:)
De Man that has the voice and the talent that made me go awwwww n wooooo and more PG- rated noises hehe..:)..
One out of my many favourites...
Love Song For No One- John Mayer
Staying home alone on a Friday
Flat on the floor looking back
On old love
Or lack thereof
After all the crushes are faded
And all my wishful thinking was wrong
I'm jaded
I hate it
I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
Searching all my days just to find you
I'm not sure who I'm looking for
I'll know it
When I see you
Until then, I'll hide in my bedroom
Staying up all night just to write
A love song for no one
I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance
And watched you walk away?
I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
You'll be so good
You'll be so good for me
Insomniac disease strucked at 7/29/2003 04:10:00 PM
Don't Blame THEM !!!
Don't blame them for wailing,
Don't blame them for not listening,
Don't blame them for all those scratches and pinches,
Don't blame them for the FRUSTRATIONS,
Don't blame them for NOT learning,
Don't take it personal.
Look back and reflect on what we have not done,
and what we could have done....better.
DON'T BLAME THEM!!!
One of my kids ever told me not once but MOREEE than once, "Teacher Fadzilah, you're SO UNFAIR." He was right. I wouldn't denied, at times being HUMAN I did not realized of those UNFAIR moments in disciplining them. He was RIGHT. I DON'T BLAME him. I accepted it and will mend my ways.
Blaming is not an answer to your frustrations. Don't Seek Solace...Seek Solutions.
Insomniac disease strucked at 7/27/2003 10:17:00 PM
You've Got Mail
Slumberland...Slumberland...pls call me...need to slumber but can't....need to slumber for a better tomorrow...
Received this e-mail from a parent. Initially, this parent was giving me hard time. I was guilty for *bitching* about this parents behind their back. Amazingly, my patience and sincerity as a HUMAN and as a Special Educator to give my very best to this child has helped me to WIN their "heart" against all odds.
Ms Fadzilah,
Sorry that I could not find the article written on JL on my pc. I must
have lost it when the pc was corrupted last year.
Just a note of thanks to you and your team in helping JL and the rest of
the children in Seagulls 3. Your patience and love for the children will
definitely help them adjust to society for the rest of their lives.
Warmest Regards from
Father & Family of JL
I've never expected any Thank you....as this is my responsibily and my duty as a Special Educator....as...
Parents are SPECIAL people...
"As teachers, we only work with these chilldren for only 6 hours per day, 5 days per week. Here are words from the heart of the families. Their job are 24 hours per day, seven days per week, for a lifetime...they are the strong ones. I am often told that i must be a ",very pecial person" because of my job, but I know that I don't deserve that kind of recognition. I chose this job that I love so much and I got paid for it. Most of these parents did not have a choice. They don't get paid. Their work never ends. Their love is unconditional.
They are the SPECIAL PEOPLE.
- Anonymous -
THEY are Special.
Got this e-mail from a friend. Hmmm..what's with him to send me this....but lurve it anyway..Thanxs.
Adam Sandler - I wanna Grow Old With You
i wanna make you smile
whenever you're sad
carry you around when your arthritis is bad
all i wanna do, is grow old with you
I'll get you medicine when your tummy aches
Build you a fire if the furnace breaks
So, it could be so nice growing old with you,....
I'll miss you
Kiss you
Give you my coat when you are cold
Need you
Feed you
Even let you hold the remote control.
So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed when you've had too much to drink
Oh I could be the man that grows old with you
I wanna grow old with you.
I wanna grow old with ????? Still a question which has always been left unanswered.....
Insomniac disease strucked at 7/26/2003 02:13:00 AM
Great Xpectation...
Today, I went for a concert held by a special school. Amazingly superb great acts 100% by children/ person with special needs. The concert is hosted by a teacher and an ex- student of the school. The student has witty sense of humour and he is definitely impressive. I don't know him personally... but believe me his presence has made a difference to the parents of the students and US the special educators. If I was given the chance to go up to him and give him a pat on his back...I would . Well done :).
I sat beside a 15 years old boy and his mum. He is a student of the school. He was born normal but when he was young, he was traumatised by his kindergarten teacher cruel act, which has affected his self - esteem, confidence and growing needs. Thus, while he was in a mainstream school, he was streamed to a special school which will meet his academics and growing needs. Whoever the kindergarten teacher is, she might not realized till now that she has done a great injustice to the life of a young boy. SHE should not be sued but to be prosecuted. Fortunately, during his recuperative period, he has met with those that believes in his true potential. I may not meet him again...:(. I wish him and his family all the best. :)
Lots of effort have been put in and it was a worthy effort...Well done. Some of my ex- students are studying there and I am glad that they are taught and nurtured in such a warmth, loving environment which prioritize their growing and special needs when it comes to learning. I am glad to be where I am today and I am glad that I can be a part of their life. Much I have learnt from them and much more to come.
When a child is born, Great Expectations have been set for him by his parents. At times, this expectations has to be disacknowledged due to circumstances. GOD has given us the best that we could have and the expectations that we have set may not be what GOD has decided for us. It is for us to plan and for HIM to decide.
It is not wise to feel useless as each one of us is created by HIM and is created with a/ purpose. Or could I say...many purposes. It differs from one man to another. In a way or another, you might have made a difference in someone's life...you might not know...he/ she might not realized ...but GOD knows.
Only GOD knows...My expectations...there's not a need for me to say it out loud. HE knows.
Insomniac disease strucked at 7/26/2003 01:44:00 AM
Still waiting...
This week...I received good news that my study leave is approved. Received an admission letter from the Uni...I can't procastinate any longer...shld start sourcing for "fulus". Any sugar daddy or anak datuk out there looking for splurging mate? You have one here waiting.
Bought 2 books by Torey Hayden.And I only hope I have been half as good as her.
Total extraction from book's back cover.
Six year old Sheila had been abandoned by her mother on a highway when she was four. A survivor of horrific abuse, she never spoke, never cried, and was placed in a class for severely retarded children after committing an atrocious act of violence against another child. Everyone though Sheila was beyond salvation- except her teacher, Torey Hayden. With patience, skill and abiding love, she fought long and hard to release a haunted little girl from her secret nightmare- and nurture the spark of genius she recognized trapped within Sheila's silence. This is the remarkable story of their journey together- an odyssey of hope, courage, and inspiring devotion that opened the heart and mind of one lost child to a new world of discovery and joy.
Amazingly superb...I have been slumbering with this book in hand for the past two days. It has kept me from ignoring my feverish feeling. Not a remedy just a "health" supplement.
Still waiting for the right moment...still waiting for the right time...Only God Knows.
Insomniac disease strucked at 7/24/2003 11:07:00 PM
The feverish feeling
The feverish feeling is here again today.
This feeling comes and goes as it wishes.
It comes and goes...as you wished.
You are not making it better...yet you are not making it worst.
Is it too soon for you to cure this feverish feeling ?
Or you have no prescription to heal it?
This feeling comes and goes as it wishes.
It comes and goes...as you wished.
Will you make it better? I don't know.
Maybe I need to cure this feverish feeling.
Or someone else would.
I might not wait for you to prescribe any "healers"
I might not make it better.
I might not wait, as no prescriptions have been given.
I might not.....as I may not be worthy of you
I don't know....
Is this feverish feeling a sign of hope or a sign of......? Only GOD knows...
Insomniac disease strucked at 7/23/2003 11:57:00 PM
Blissful Morning...
Finally, I have terminated my UNOFFICAL MC leave from religious sermons. Had a very enriching morning, and was cursing myself for socially ignoring religious sermons for the past months. Much I have forgotten and much need to be learnt to be a a better Umat. Definitely going next week, and the week after and the week after...and so on. Insya Allah.
All my dear gurl frens looked beautiful today. They were donned in chaste outfits. They not only look beautiful as a woman...but also as a muslimah and as HIS Umat. Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder. Insya Allah... more of such occurence from them. My sundays will be as blissful as today. It is blissful to see the smiling face of my mom...when i don myself for a blissful morning. I can't remember the last time I say, "I love you" to her....maybe the last time was when I just learnt how to speak. It has never been a culture in my family to express ourselves openly. Thus, smiling moments like this morning are the great act of LOVE in my family..:)
Yesterday, my pasts came to life. Met 3 individuals from my past. Three awkward yet reminiscing moments.
1st past that i met may be more than a past...maybe... 2nd past was an acquaintance of someone who was a part on my life. Wld be nice to be in contact with "that' part of my life....:). 3rd past was the result of more "love crush" occurence after him. All three have changed....me too..i believe so. It is miraculous to meet them in 1 day...if miraculous is the right word to describe it?...it has to be it.
Monday is coming...it is either blue, green, red or...what colour will I be painting my Monday? Let it be bright..let it be cheery and let it be bless..
Insomniac disease strucked at 7/20/2003 08:44:00 PM
The Wise One..Dalai Lama
The Dalai Lama said read it to see if it works for you.
Very interesting. Just 4 questions and the answers will surprise you.
Do not cheat by looking up the answers. The mind is like a parachute, it
works best when it is opened.
This is fun to do, but you have to follow the instructions very closely.
Do not cheat.
MAKE A WISH BEFORE BEGINNING THE TEST!!
Warning! Answer the questions as you go along.
There are only four questions and if you see them all before finishing,
you will not have honest results.
Go down slowly and do each exercise as you scroll down.
Don't look ahead. Get pencil and paper to write your answers as you go
along. You will need it at the end. This is an honest questionnaire which
will tell you a lot about your true self.
Put the following 5 animals in the order of your preference.
a. Cow c. Sheep e. Pig
b. Tiger d. Horse
Write one word that describes each one of the following:
Dog Rat
Sea
Cat Coffee
Think of someone (who also knows you and is important to you) that you can
relate them to the following colours (do not repeat your answer twice.
Name just one person for each colour.)
Yellow Red
Green
Orange White
Finally, write down your favourite number and your favourite day of the
week.
Finished? Please be sure that your answers are what you REALLY WANT.
Look at the interpretations below: (but first before continuing, repeat
your wish.)
This will define your priorities in your life.
Cow Signifies CAREER Sheep Signifies LOVE Pig Signifies
MONEY
Tiger Signifies PRIDE Horse Signifies FAMILY
Your description of dog implies YOUR OWN PERSONALITY.
Your description of cat implies the personality of your partner.
Your description of rat implies the personality of your enemies.
Your description of coffee is how you interpret SEX.
Your description of the Sea implies your own life.
Yellow: Someone you will never forget
Orange: Someone you consider your true friend
Red: Someone that you really love
White: Your twin soul -
Green: Someone that you will remember for the rest of your life
You have to send this message to as many persons as your favourite number
and your wish will come true on the day that you put. This is what the
Dalai Lama has said about the Millennium -- just take a few seconds to read
it and think.
Do not put away this message, the mantra will come out from your hands in
the next 96 hours.
You will have a very pleasant surprise. This is true, even if you are not
superstitious.
Please try this. It is fascinating.
My Answers...
1. Horse, sheep, cow, tiger, pig----> true....:)
2. Irritating, smelly, blue, scared, black ---> hahaha...
3. Shah, someone, my p, huda, sahila ---> slight truths :)
4. 19 and friday ----> not bother...
The past few weeks my patient level has been running at a low level...slight irritations can caused an uproar in my behaviour. As a teaching professional, I've tried my very best not to bring such an uncultivated behaviour in a classroom/ working environment...but i'm only human. As one should "heal" oneself...my tangible "healer" is an Inspiring book by Torey Hayden called "Beautiful Child". Truelly inspiring and stimulating for my stagnant mind :). I indulged myself by reading this piece and as I have foresee earlier...I neglected my other needs....slumber till the wee hours...just can't let it off my hand. Will be purchasing her other inspirational piece....very soon...or any sponsors..:)?
Child's play- Ignoring the truth
In class of 8 children with mild autism and 3 teachers. I have taken the role as the discipline mistress. Always potraying myself as the wicked stepmother in class. Can't help it, with the presence of 8 adorable monyetz in my class someone has to be the "one holding the invisible cane" in hand.
In class, I have imposed a strict rule of no talking while teacher is teaching. I will try my very best to ignore inappropriate blabbering or questions from them...as this is their austistic forte. One fine day, while teaching, I was ignoring my one and only princess in class. She is often in dreamland and has the tendency to "post" weird inappropriate questions or statements. She kept raising her hands up while I am signalling to her to put her handsdown. She didn't give up, I got irritated and gave her a firm look and was about to "shout" at her...and innocently she looked at me with a "errr....don't scold me look" and said, "But Teacher, your zipper downnnnnnnnnn..." (she tends to prolong her end word hehe). And yups..I looked down and oppps...I was IGNORING the TRUTH...hahha. She's my lifesaver...hehe saving me from an "Under Where" embarassment...Thank you dear..:)
It has to be THEM that keeps me going...better days to come..Insya Allah
Insomniac disease strucked at 7/18/2003 10:38:00 PM
Waiting...Waiting...At a juncture..
Waiting...Waiting..Waiting...It has been the longest waiting period of my life...waiting for my future destination. At times...frustration welled up inside. I am still clueless what/ where is my future destination. No decisions have been made and No answers have been given. Am I patient enough to wait....OR will I be patient enough to wait? Only HE knows.
Where will I be heading ?....I did an on-line palm reading months back...and was simply amazed with the result...Amazing..heh..makes one feel good about it...although there might be NO truths to it. It is just a purely innocent..."feel good feeling" after reading it:).
Read between the lines
WRIST LINES
Your Wrist Lines predict how many satisfying years you have ahead of you. The more wrist lines you have the better. You have three wrist lines, so there's no shortage of happiness coming your way. Celebrate by doing what you do best. Go find a party to be the life of. And make sure your happiness continues on the job, or consider a new career.
HEAD AND LIFE LINES
The top line is your Head Line and determines intelligence and mental strength. The bottom line is your Life Line and indicates passion. Your head line and life lines do not touch, and your head line is straight. Whatever your fate, you'll be the one to decide it. You're independent and vocal. You're energetic and smart, expecially when it comes to numbers. You are the only thing that can come between you and your ambition. Your wandering spirit and short attention span make it hard for you to sit still long enough to complete anything.
HEART LINE
The Heart Line determines your romantic success. Your heart line extends straight across your palm, revealing that you are caring, hard-working and loyal. Avoid the feelings of resentment that come from always giving more than you'll receive, and you'll be repaid with great luck later in life.
Interested...don't shy visit this page :)
http://www.truecareers.com/JobSeekerX/Registration/PalmReading/Default.asp
Waiting makes one to be stonger...Insya Allah.
Insomniac disease strucked at 7/17/2003 11:04:00 PM
Weekend Facial Rendezvous
Today, I went for my facial spa retreat, total destress. Syiokkkkk. I have religiously succumbed myself to a fortnightly facial rendezvous since "suffering"from facial discrepancy abt. a year back (That's 2nd reincarnation...will share soon abt this reincarnations when I'm ready). I am not bless with good obedient healthy skin....mine tends to invite uninvited guests...not just the visiting from the family of zits but their big brothers..."acnes"...or the scientific term "comodone"....opps sounds something like that. Glad that those distressing period of my life is over, hopefully no 3rd reincarnation...Insya Allah.
Now...my uninvited guests still hop by now and then...I guessed they feel so welcome and comfortable on my youthful skin..haha. Once they arrived, it will take about two weeks to shoo them away. Distressing....Irritating period that will be. At times it does affect my self- esteem and self- confidence. It does..
:(. During their visits I have to tend to them and thus at times relinquish my social life & needs. When will they stop visiting me? Much I have splurged in tending to them. Haven't they got enough tender, loving , care ?...please stop visiting.
Till this very day I do not know the reasons of their visits...it can be too regular at times and it does affect my life. I have seek much help, from a professional individual to another...n till today...I still try my very best...but hmmm still no avail. Only God Knows....
Today I feel good and looks good in "my own perspective" ...:)..will it be the same tomorrow..or the day after...Thanks to HIM...
HE knows best and HE has given me the BEST. Allhamdulillah
Insomniac disease strucked at 7/13/2003 08:29:00 PM
7C and 8G...? and My 4Hs...
Got this e-mail early in the morning...interesting and something that we women and men ought to know. Hmm...It's in Malay. I will definitely make a print of it and place it somewhere I can see everyday....as a visual reminder..probably paste it somewhere near the mirror :).
A friend of mine asked me before....what type of man am I looking for...probably when I was very very young i will go for 3H..Handsome, Hunk, Hot...hahah...looking back...so immatured of me then. NOW...I am looking for 4H..Humble (very important...if one has this in him...other great characters comes with it..:), Humorous (it all depends...when there's chemistry between two individuals..this will come on its own:), Hardworking & HUMANE (a MUST :)
7c.dan 8g ( penulis: ustaz Ali Sobri)
"Datuk Dr Fadzilah Kamsah telah merumuskan:"
7 'C' yang boleh menyebabkan lelaki hilang minat atau benci kepada seseorang wanita.
1. Comot
Terdapat wanita yang cantik tetapi comot. Comot yang dimaksudkan ini boleh melibatkan wajah seseorang wanita itu, penampilannya yang selekeh, kerja yang dilakukannya serta tindak-tanduknya.
2. Cerewet
Kata ulama hati wanita terletak di mulutnya. Oleh itu wanita perlu mengawal percakapannya.
3. Cemburu
Cemburu perlu dalam sesuatu hubungan. Tetapi wanita yang terlampau cemburu sehingga pasangannya merasa terkongkong akan membawapadah kepada perhubungan mereka. Ini memandangkan lelaki akan merasakan dirimereka tidak dipercayai.
4. Cuai
Kebiasaan lelaki tidak suka jika pasangannya cuai terutama apabila ia melibatkan masa. Misalnya apabila suami menetapkan keluar jam tiga tetapi pada masa yang ditetapkan isteri masih sibuk bersiap, ini akan membuat mereka benci kerana situasi itu.
5. Celupar
Menurut Dr. Fadzilah, wanita yang cantik akan kelihatan hodoh jika mulutnya celupar.
6. Cabul
Cabul di sini membawa maksud keji dan segi perangai sehingga seseorang wanita itu langsung tidak ada malu. Misalnya bergaul bebas dengan lelaki-lelaki yang bukan muhrimnya tanpa menghirau batas pergaulan itu.
7. Cabar
Lelaki mempunyai ego mereka yang tersendiri. Oleh itu mereka tidak suka dicabar terutama sekali oleh wanita. Wanita perlu tahu batas tindakan mereka agar lelaki tidak rasa tercabar. Misalnya mencabar dengan kata-kata seperti, saya cabar awak........
8G pada lelaki yang dibenci oleh wanita
1. Garang
Garang tak bertempat, suka mencarut, suka cari gaduh, cakap kasar, suka marah2
tak bertempat, silap sikit tak boleh.. macam ler dia betul semua, atau
seumpamanya.
2. Ganas
Kaki pukul, dengan perempuan pun nak tunjuk kuat sebab perempuan bukan lawannya.
3. Gementar
Takut sangat, tak yakin diri sendiri, tak percaya kebolehan diri, bergantung
pada orang lain dan seumpamanya.
4. Gabrah
Tak boleh/pandai buat keputusan sendiri, ikut pendapat perempuan aje, dan sebagainya.
5. Gentleman tiada Langsung
Tak gentle, pentingkan diri sendiri, ambil kesempatan dan sebagainya.
6. Gerumal
Bahasa kedah-bohong atau tipu.
7. Ganggo Keterlaluan
Lembut sangat, pemalu sangat, pendiam sangat, macho sangat dan seumpamanya.
8. Gatal
Miang keladi dengan perempuan lain selain dengan isteri sendiri.
Insomniac disease strucked at 7/12/2003 01:14:00 PM
Things Can Only Get Better
I've been deliberately...MCing myself from blogging. Why? This week...was overwhelmed with others negative attitudes and unavoidable negative events which are better of forgotten...with hope...Things CAN only get better. I would rather blog on events or simply positive PG- rated :) thoughts that I have. If I ever deliberately miss some...opps or many blogging days, I might be seeking solace and will be back blogging when I am fit to be a "positive contributor" :).
Let's start.....
"Total extraction" from www.bridges4kid.org
I'm not a writer, but I do have a story to share. When I first started out in the special education field I had the opportunity to work with a little girl that nobody else wanted to take time with. She was diagnosed as having autism and she was also deaf.
I was volunteering as a summer camp aide one summer and had to deliver mail to the office regarding the children's background information. I normally don't read the material, but I had to wait in the office, so I looked through the pile and found her submission sheet. The office had checked that they were going to "reject her for camp" because they didn't have the staff to give her the care she needed. She was prone to violent tantrums and had little in the way of communicative ability. Without a second thought I volunteered to be her one-to-one aide. I knew a little bit of sign language and had just started working with kids with autism a few months before. I wasn't really qualified, but they let me have the job.
When I went to her home to meet her, she was huddled on the living room couch, her head in her lap, rocking and humming loudly. Her mother grabbed her arm and forced her face upwards to meet me. She had her eyes closed still, effectively shutting herself out from the world. As I sat and spoke with her parents (who spoke in broken English) I noticed that she had moved from the couch to the floor and was looking at me. I smiled and she smiled back. Then she ran and hid behind the couch again.
I showed up the next day, fully expecting a tantrum and a difficult morning. She stood at the door with her mother, smiling, and signed "hello" and her name sign. I signed hello back, and my name sign. She took my hand, and we started off for camp.
The first few days were a whirlwind of trying to figure out how to communicate with her, how to adapt camp activities, how to handle her tantrums. By the middle of the week, a few of her fellow campers had taken an interest in playing with her. She looked so happy when they took her off to the swings, or the see-saws that I could hardly keep from crying. I ended up staying with her, as her home therapist for almost 4 years. She was truly an amazing child...by the time I left she was able to go in public with her family (before she would tantrum in public to the point where they couldn't taker her anywhere...or she would run away and they would have to have the police find her and bring her home), she could make her bed and her lunch, use the bathroom, shower, do her homework, play with her siblings, and sign and nearly age level.
As much as she learned (according to assessments and evaluations), she didn't learn nearly as much as I did as a teacher. Working with her taught me a greater patience and appreciation for every small gain a child can make than I can possibly express. Everyone had given up on her, and for whatever reason, she chose me to help her prove them all wrong.
I guess what I'm saying is that no matter how bleak the outlook seems, there is always hope. There is always a rainbow after the storm. I know that a lot of school systems, who lack the funding, the teachers, the training and insight, often become convinced of a child's inability's and loose sight of what they can do. Even if it's just the smallest thing, like blinking their eyes to say "yes," look at it as a starting point. Things can only get better from there.
In my own words....
Insya Allah...things will be better for me from here...
So glad that this lethargic week has come to an end. With the expansion of my programme in school...many great individuals (new teachers) to work with. Some has shown their true potentials and some still needs constant prompts to move on. Advise to MYself and others...to make yourself feel belong in a new environment always ask yourself...how you can make yourself feel belong and NOT how others make you feel belong.
Four years ago, I was just a young girl and now.....after four years...much I have learnt from my students and those great individuals that I am working with...they "create" the HUMANE woman I am today. I have never regret the path that I have taken and I will...insya Allah stays in this path and reach greater heights.
Who knows....where I will be in the near future and who will I be meeting tomorrow..or future...those new acquaintances that i will meet...will probably be my positive ions. THEY or HE or SHE....might be the "changing factors to my future..who knows...only HE knows.
This is GOD's calling...I am a better person today because of HIM...and I am going to be a better person tomorrow and the day after...& the day after...because of HIS calling...Insya Allah.
Insomniac disease strucked at 7/12/2003 12:47:00 AM
The Mourning.
Yesterday...while window shopping at spotlight...a solemn voice was heard over the news radio that was aired in that buidling. "The iranian siamese twins has passed away......". Every single moving soul around me stood silent. A chinese lady was actually gripping her ...which i assumed her husband's hand. I believe it is not only the muslim community that is mourning for them...anybody..everybody...regardless of race and religion. Their presence...and now their absence has definitely make a significant difference in our life...May Allah SWT bless you...
Bought a book today...browsing through the non- fiction corner...and "it" caught my attention. Beautiful child by Torey Hayden.
"Total extraction" from book's back cover:
Seven year old Venus Fox never spoke, never listened, never even acknowledged the presence of another human being in the room with her. Yet an accidental playground "bump"would release a rage frightening to behold. The school year that followed would prove to be one of the most trying, perplexing and ultimately rewarding of Torey's career, as she struggled to reach a silent child in obvious pain. It would be a strenuous journey beset by seemingly insurmountable obstacles and darkened by truly terrible revelations- yet encouraged by sometimes small, sometimes dazzling breakthroughs- as a dedicated teacher remained committed to helping "hopeless" girl, and patiently and lovingly leading her toward the light of a new day.
If not for the constant calling of my sleeping pad I would be slumbering with this book...& once I open the first page I will definitely ignore my other needs hehe...e.g. toileting..etc. etc..
What a coincidence...
Today...was informed by my mentor that Channel News Asia will be featuring my kids on POST SARs edition.."How are we coping after SARs? If they are "featuring" me please take my left profile opps..or is it my right..hmm will check again..hehe...*feeling Mariah Carey
forty winks....to slumber....to forget all devillish acts..to wake up with a new beginning...insya Allah
Insomniac disease strucked at 7/09/2003 10:10:00 PM
Lethargic
This feeling has been growing...is it right for me to feel this way? Is it because of the stagnation of what I am doing or where I am right now? I believe one has to find his/her own drives...motivations...passions...or all the +++ in life :)...you can't expect others to "move you" as you know yourself BEST & others have better things to do. For me..still finding...
I have a great bunch of kids this year...my monyetz J. Somehow they are near normal yet the big A (autism) is still in them. Each of them has their own unique and distinct characters. Their sudden outbursts and ignorance that creates the amusing atmosphere in class...yeahhh they kept me going. It is amazing that behind their ignorance there are truths behind it.
One amusing incident or could I say "statement"...happened early this year when SARs is the topic of our conversation. Topic for the day in class: What is ARs? n all the blah..blah...blah about SARs. One of my charming kid...proudly stood up and said, "I know..I Know about SARs. My daddy said..."Cannot have sex with China girl.", and he walked around the class...finger pointing to his peers and said, "No sex...uh...No sex...". Gosh...was I suprised...or stunned by that statement. I was just trying to control the situation by "forcing" myself not to burst out laughing. Fortunately, the rest of his peers thought that he was saying, NO SARs...NO SARs...and they just responded...YESH NO SARs! WE NO SARs!. If they had gone home and informed their parents what has been shared…haha GOD knows what is going to happen. Don't say Leh...Don't say Lar...This SARvivor song has been my class anthem. How can i feel lethargic with a class of charmers like them?
Reminiscing the past is definitely a great way to feel refresh again...better days to come...insya Allah. My past has come not to torment me but probably to add the +++ in my life...who knows...only HE knows.
Is it me you're looking for?...gosh this oldies is playing in my head....n opps who is the singer? Anyone...
Constant upgrading will be done to this blogspot...that will keep me going...
Life goes on...
Insomniac disease strucked at 7/08/2003 10:58:00 PM
The Alien Language.
Day 3...Am I an addicted blogger? Been blogging and trying to "converse" in the alien language aka HTML codes since Day 1. I believe HTML code has been a back dated codes...others are "conversing" in JAVA and other net jargons/ codes which I'm not familiar with. Here I am still struggling and trying my very best to "converse" in this language...is there any easy cut n paste ways :)...always trying to get myself out of difficult situations. This is a minor challenge i shall excel...still hoping..bear with me. Once...this blogspot is all SET...i shall carry out the blogging mission..:)
Life will never be easy....but these challenges are meant to make u someone that you never know you are...
Insomniac disease strucked at 7/07/2003 10:50:00 PM
The Beginning...The Joke...
Day One...staring at the pc and laughing at myself..for actually decided to be a certified bloggerianz..it is definitely amusing to c myself blogging now. Have been an ardent blogger "peeper"...for e past few weeks ...peeping into others blog spots. Initially, i find bloggerianz to be weird human beings who has nothing better to do but to blog...n now i am becoming one of them and i realized it is definitely a therapeutic tool for one to end his/ her day with...at the same time to brush up my writing skills..starting a new year as a student soon...lots of essay to reflect on n this will definitely act as a training tool for me to polish up my writing skills...long gone the composition days...n the essay days are coming back soon...looking forward for 2004.
As an ardent blogger peepers I have been peeping from one tom to another jerry blog spots. Some bloggers are nauseating and some are definitely enriching n refreshing...i am an ardent peeper of blog spots that provides an educational avenue for me...not those that gets tooo personal..it just gets to nauseating to read...hmmm...but who am i to judge....
As a special educator...i can never run away from learning objectives. There are always learning objectives that i am questioned for when i'm teaching...and with the starting of this blog spot..i shall set an objective so that i won't stray away from it...insya Allah.
hmmm...Objective:
1. To be able to provide an enriching and educational avenue for fellow blogger peepers on ME..:), Special Needs Culture and hmmm...more to come..Insya ALLAH
gee...sounds like a tag ad for an educational centre..heh..can't run from it as the educator's blood is in me.
"Teach them and THEY will teach YOU"
- anonymous -
More to come..coming soon..akan datang..Insya Allah
Insomniac disease strucked at 7/05/2003 12:17:00 PM
Disembarking.
|I'm leaving|
|I'm leaving|
Life is a Cycle of Serendipity.
I plan. HE decides.
HE has other plans for me.
When HEloves you.
HE creates obstacles for you to learnt from.
HE creates challenges to make you love HIM more.
HE will never forsake you.
BecauseHEtruly loves you.
Every challenges comes with pleasant suprises.
Insya Allah.
HEtaught me.
I have learnt from it.
HE is guiding me towards the lighted path.
HE will always be in my heart.
HE will always be on my mind.
Allah, I love you.
Thank you, Allah.
Serenade to..
You Are Never Alone
by Zain Bhikha